4 hacks to reignite passion, love, and happiness in your marriage

Have you lost the feelings of love you once had? Are you longing for more passion in your marriage? Are you ready to call it quits because you’re not happy and don’t love your partner any more?

Well hold on a moment!

Don’t get rid of your partner and keep your problems. Get rid of your problems and keep your partner!

Here are four brain chemistry hacks that will help you recover lost romantic feelings and reignite your passion for each other! And, I’ve put it all together for you in three simple tools that will help you build a happy marriage!

1. Touch

Science reveals that we are wired for connection with another human being. Therefore, touching your partner is not only nice, it’s necessary. 

We actually live to touch. If we’re denied touch, we don’t do too well. Our health deteriorates emotionally and physically.

Multiple studies show that human touch triggers the release of oxytocin into our bloodstream. Oxytocin, also known as the love hormone, is a neurotransmitter that increases feelings of trust, generosity, and compassion.

And it also decreases feelings of fear and anxiety that block our communication.

Remember back when you first thought about holding hands with your partner? For many couples that was an unforgettable pleasurable experience!

Read on to learn how to begin feeling those feelings again.

The case for the “one-minute full-body hug”

While all kinds of touch is good, holding hands, back rubs, etc., I’m going to ask you to give each other a one-minute full-body hug. We used to prescribe a 20-second hug because that’s how long it takes for a wave of oxytocin to be released into your system. But now we’ve learned that by extending the hug to a full 60 seconds additional waves of this wonderful “love” hormone are released.

So whether you feel like it or not, do it. Make the science work for you!

There’s an second powerful hack…

2. Appreciation

Recent discoveries in neuroscience tell us that not only does gratitude create a more positive and happy mental state but it also literally transforms your brain.

Each time you share an appreciation with your partner, it changes the molecular structure of your brain, keeps grey matter functioning, and makes you healthier and happier. Not to mention the positive effect it has on your partner.

Plus, it makes you more peaceful and less reactive in your interactions.

When you’re feeling emotional pain in your relationship, negative feelings tend to grow and expand until negative is all you can see. 

And at the same time, everything good about your partner tends to shrink until there’s nothing positive you can see. 

When that happens, we tend to get stuck in our own pain and self-absorption. We start reacting, and criticizing, and labeling our partner.

That’s when romantic feelings are replaced by anxiety and negative reactions.

When you share an appreciation, it reverses this dynamic. 

Sharing an appreciation creates new neural pathways actually rewiring your brain.

It transforms the space between you filling it with positivity that pushes out negativity. And, needless to say, it feels really good, not only to your partner, but to you too.

When you share regular appreciations with each other, you change your brain chemistry, waking up those powerful romantic feelings, and creating entirely new ones.

What if we were to combine the power of sharing appreciations with the power of touch?

Here’s a simple tool that will help you access all the benefits of both TOUCHING and APPRECIATION.

Four Powerful Appreciations

Just click on the link above, print out the tool, and follow the instructions. 

This exercise instructs you as a couple to do a one-minute full-body hug while taking turns sharing a 30-second appreciation with each other four times a day, during four critical moments. 

What you do during these “critical moments” each day has five times the impact on your relationship: (1) when you are both first awake in the morning, (2) saying “Goodbye” for the day, (3) when you first come home in the evening, and (4) when you say “Goodnight”.

Jack and Anna are a couple who were constantly fighting.

Doing this exercise for 40 days helped them begin to bypass their conflict and access the parts of themselves that really loved each other. 

As the cascades of romantic feelings continued to flood their souls each day, negative feelings about each other began to be flushed out of their relationship.

Needless to say their passion for each other was ignited and today they are much better at handling their conflicts.

A third hack is what we call…

3. Caring Behaviors

When you do specific acts that hit the bull’s-eye of what makes your partner feel loved and cared about, it awakens all kinds of romantic feelings! 

For example, if your wife says, “I feel loved and cared about when you initiate getting things done around the house”, and you get up Saturday morning and start washing the windows. Wow! Nothing could be more of a turn on! Right?

Doing “caring behaviors” has two powerful effects. 

First, it reignites your partner’s love for you.

And, second, it also causes your own dead feelings of love and passion to be resurrected.

There is a scientific reason this happens, and with this next tool we’re going to tap into that and use it to our advantage.

Keep in mind, it’s science, so you don’t have to feel it to do it. Just do it and it will be effective.

Here’s why.

When you do something for someone else, your lower, unconscious brain thinks you’re doing that act for yourself. 

That’s why it feels so good when you do something good for someone else. That’s why you feel loved when you do loving acts for others.

Doing these caring behaviors replaces the cortisol that produces anxiety and depression with oxytocin, dopamine, and other pleasure chemicals that cause you to feel joyful aliveness. 

As a result you’ll see depression literally be replaced by joy!

The Caring Behaviors exercise can help you identify precisely what makes your partner feel loved and cared about.

The fourth hack is…

4. Safe Conversations

The Imago Couple’s Dialogue is a powerful tool that helps make every conversation safe, enabling you to…

  • Talk without criticism
  • Listen without judgment, and
  • Connect beyond your differences

It’s the most powerful way I know to keep your conversations safe, enabling you to be fully open, present, and empathetic with your partner.

Putting it all together!

Here’s a how to use these 4 brain chemistry hacks with the 3 powerful tools to reignite passion in your marriage (click on the links to print out the tools).

1. Safe Conversations (every time you talk)

Use the Couple’s Dialogue as your core skill to keep every conversation safe and productive in a way that always leads you to connection with each other.

Flank this core skill with…

2. Four Powerful Appreciations (each day)

and… 

3. Three Caring Behaviors (each day)

Using the Safe Conversation model with these two types of affirmations on a daily basis will change your brain chemistry and create new neural pathways that create new feelings for each other.

It’s so powerful that I cannot overstate the importance of using these three tools together!

But nothing happens until you act on it!

So grab the tools and let’s reignite passion in our relationship!

Want to go further? Join my online course!

Six week online course: Building the marriage of your dreams

And if you haven’t done so already…

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My goal is to provide free relationship tools and resources delivered to your inbox every week! 

Unleashing the transforming power of gratitude in your marriage

Gratitude will transform your marriage! And here’s a powerful tool that can make that happen! 

Believe it or not, one drop of negativity pollutes the space between you as a couple and makes connection impossible.

But sharing regular appreciations with each other will rock your world in the opposite direction.

It will dispel that negativity so you can get the deep connection you’re longing for.

Negativity comes in many subtle forms. Any criticism…even so called “constructive criticism” will pollute the pond. And there are those more subtle forms like a negative tone of voice, or a disapproving facial expression, or a rolling of the eyes. Things like that.

It’s not what you say, but how you say it that determines whether something feels negative to your partner.

Negativity is defined as anything that your partner says feels negative to her or him.

Are you saying my partner gets to decide what is negative?

Well…do  you want a close relationship with your partner?

Then, yes, they get to decide. Because, if your partner feels it’s negative, they will feel unsafe. And an unsafe relationship will never be close.

Why is this?

Criticism, or blaming, or playing the victim can trigger deep emotional pain in your partner.

When that happens, everything positive goes out the door.

You don’t even know who started the fight, but suddenly you’re in a conflict and everything goes negative.

Am I close?

You can be the most caring person in the world! Constantly working to do everything you can to make your partner feel loved! But when that one critical look triggers their pain, unfortunately that’s the way they see you. And it’s downhill from there.

No fair!

You’re right. I get that. But that’s reality.

When pain is triggered all positive things about our partner go away…it’s all irrelevant… it’s like those positive traits are non-existent!

And your partner screams, “Why do you focus on this one negative thing and fail to see all the good things I’m doing?!”

Ever have that happen?

When you look at your partner through the lens of your pain, all you see and feel is negativity.

And soon all that negativity is spewing out of you into the space between you – through a negative reaction, a critical remark, or a glare.

I love road biking. So does my friend. One day I asked him if he’d like to ride. He said no. “Why?” I asked.  He said, “I have a toothache.”

Ever had a toothache? Everything positive about your life disappears and is irrelevant until you take care of that pain. Right?

Because of the pain triggered in a relationship, so many couples are not really living with each other. They are living with their defenses in a perpetual shadow of negativity.

They see their partners, not as a source of pleasure, but as a source of pain.

And that’s when those negative words, that criticism, those put downs come out of their mouth further polluting the space between.

But here’s some good news!

Recent relationship science affirms that the most powerful antidote to negativity is gratitude!

Sharing what you appreciate about another person flushes the negativity from the pool between you and fills it with pure, pristine water that is not only safe to swim in but safe to drink!

So how do I unleash gratitude’s transforming power in my relationship?

I’m glad you asked that question!

Here’s a tool to help you push out the negativity, rekindle romantic love, and create a safety zone in your relationship for further growth, healing and deeper connection.

Are you ready for this?

To get ready let me ask you both to stand up right now, and do two very simple things.

Step One: Give each other a full-body hug for 60 seconds.

What?!

I know this may sound silly, but bear with me, OK?

Are you doing it?

No?

Well please stand up right now and do it. I’ll wait…

OK!

And when I say full-body I mean just that. Hold each other like there is no tomorrow.

Multiple studies show that human touch triggers the release of oxytocin, the love hormone, into your brain. That increases feelings of trust, generosity, and compassion. And decreases feelings of fear and anxiety.

Feel the sensations all over your body as oxytocin and other super-healthy pleasure chemicals are released into your system.

This is far more powerful than you may think. So even if you think it’s silly, DO IT!

Feel it.

OK, not too much.

This is supposed to be an non-sexual exercise. (But who am I to tell you what to do)  😉

OK, if we can just stay on track for a moment…

Just take the time right now, and feel the pleasure hormones release into your system.

This by itself will start to rekindle your positive feelings for each other. Can you feel it?

This will also begin to create a safety zone in your relationship.

Oxytocin is a drug that creates a feeling of safety with the person who triggers it.

As you do this, your lower, unconscious, reactive brain will begin to see your partner as a source of comfort and pleasure rather than a source of pain. And vice versa.

Are with me?

Keep going. Feel it. Enjoy it for a moment. In fact shoot for a goal of 60 seconds.

But don’t count seconds, just go to step two.

Step Two: Share an appreciation with each other.

Look into each other’s eyes, and one at a time, finish this statement:

“One thing I appreciate about you is…”

It should be whatever comes to your mind that you genuinely appreciate. You might think in terms of (1) how your partner looks, (2) something they did, or (3) some trait you admire.

It could be “I appreciate you wearing that shirt today. You make it look good, and it makes me feel proud to be with you.”

Or it could be something like “One thing I appreciate about you is the way you give of yourself so unselfishly to take care of our children.”

Get the idea?

Now try it.

A 30-second appreciation one way. Then a 30-second appreciation the other way. Giving one. Receiving one. All while embracing in that full body hug.  

This will immediately change the chemistry in your body and your brain!

And it will change the atmosphere around you and the space between you!

Plus it really feels good!

Am I right? 

Good!

Research tells us that each time you share an appreciation with your partner it changes the molecular structure of your brain, keeps grey matter functioning and makes you healthier and happier. Plus, it makes you more peaceful and less reactive in your interactions.

Now here comes the part that will rock your world, and transform your relationship.

Step Three: Do this four times a day.

What?! That’s a lot. How am I going to remember to do this four times a day?

It’s easy.

It has to do with four critical moments that happen in our lives every day.

They are:

  1. The first four minutes you’re both are awake in the morning.
  2. When you say “Goodbye” for the day.
  3. The first four minutes you’re home in the evening.
  4. When you say “Good night”.

According to Dr. Gary Brainerd, what you do during these times has 5 times the impact on your relationship than other times.

So you can see how this exercise has the power to turn a bad marriage upside down! (or should I say right side up?)

Get ready to have your world rocked, and your passion for each other revived!

So that’s the plan. It’s very simple.

– Full body hug
– Appreciations shared each way
– Four times a day (during times that will have a profound impact on your relationship)

Now go! Do this for six weeks, and let me know what happens along the way.

Print out a copy of this tool here by clicking this link 

Share your story in the reply section below. Others need your encouragement and insight!

Here’s to the power of gratitude, and getting all the love we want from our partner!

Subscribe below to receive my weekly post every Saturday morning! 

My goal is to provide free relationship resources delivered to your email inbox every week!