4 hacks to reignite passion, love, and happiness in your marriage

Have you lost the feelings of love you once had? Are you longing for more passion in your marriage? Are you ready to call it quits because you’re not happy and don’t love your partner any more?

Well hold on a moment!

Don’t get rid of your partner and keep your problems. Get rid of your problems and keep your partner!

Here are four brain chemistry hacks that will help you recover lost romantic feelings and reignite your passion for each other! And, I’ve put it all together for you in three simple tools that will help you build a happy marriage!

power of touch in marriage

1. Touch

Science reveals that we are wired for connection with another human being. Therefore, touching your partner is not only nice, it’s necessary. 

We actually live to touch. If we’re denied touch, we don’t do too well. Our health deteriorates emotionally and physically.

Multiple studies show that human touch triggers the release of oxytocin into our bloodstream. Oxytocin, also known as the love hormone, is a neurotransmitter that increases feelings of trust, generosity, and compassion.

And it also decreases feelings of fear and anxiety that block our communication.

Remember back when you first thought about holding hands with your partner? For many couples that was an unforgettable pleasurable experience!

Read on to learn how to begin feeling those feelings again.

The case for the “one-minute full-body hug”

While all kinds of touch is good, holding hands, back rubs, etc., I’m going to ask you to give each other a one-minute full-body hug. We used to prescribe a 20-second hug because that’s how long it takes for a wave of oxytocin to be released into your system. But now we’ve learned that by extending the hug to a full 60 seconds additional waves of this wonderful “love” hormone are released.

So whether you feel like it or not, do it. Make the science work for you!

There’s an second powerful hack…

2. Appreciation

Recent discoveries in neuroscience tell us that not only does gratitude create a more positive and happy mental state but it also literally transforms your brain.

Each time you share an appreciation with your partner, it changes the molecular structure of your brain, keeps grey matter functioning, and makes you healthier and happier. Not to mention the positive effect it has on your partner.

Plus, it makes you more peaceful and less reactive in your interactions.

When you’re feeling emotional pain in your relationship, negative feelings tend to grow and expand until negative is all you can see. 

And at the same time, everything good about your partner tends to shrink until there’s nothing positive you can see. 

When that happens, we tend to get stuck in our own pain and self-absorption. We start reacting, and criticizing, and labeling our partner.

That’s when romantic feelings are replaced by anxiety and negative reactions.

When you share an appreciation, it reverses this dynamic. 

Sharing an appreciation creates new neural pathways actually rewiring your brain.

It transforms the space between you filling it with positivity that pushes out negativity. And, needless to say, it feels really good, not only to your partner, but to you too.

When you share regular appreciations with each other, you change your brain chemistry, waking up those powerful romantic feelings, and creating entirely new ones.

What if we were to combine the power of sharing appreciations with the power of touch?

Here’s a simple tool that will help you access all the benefits of both TOUCHING and APPRECIATION.

Four Powerful Appreciations

Just click on the link above, print out the tool, and follow the instructions. 

This exercise instructs you as a couple to do a one-minute full-body hug while taking turns sharing a 30-second appreciation with each other four times a day, during four critical moments. 

What you do during these “critical moments” each day has five times the impact on your relationship: (1) when you are both first awake in the morning, (2) saying “Goodbye” for the day, (3) when you first come home in the evening, and (4) when you say “Goodnight”.

Jack and Anna are a couple who were constantly fighting.

Doing this exercise for 40 days helped them begin to bypass their conflict and access the parts of themselves that really loved each other. 

As the cascades of romantic feelings continued to flood their souls each day, negative feelings about each other began to be flushed out of their relationship.

Needless to say their passion for each other was ignited and today they are much better at handling their conflicts.

A third hack is what we call…

3. Caring Behaviors

When you do specific acts that hit the bull’s-eye of what makes your partner feel loved and cared about, it awakens all kinds of romantic feelings! 

For example, if your wife says, “I feel loved and cared about when you initiate getting things done around the house”, and you get up Saturday morning and start washing the windows. Wow! Nothing could be more of a turn on! Right?

Doing “caring behaviors” has two powerful effects. 

First, it reignites your partner’s love for you.

And, second, it also causes your own dead feelings of love and passion to be resurrected.

There is a scientific reason this happens, and with this next tool we’re going to tap into that and use it to our advantage.

Keep in mind, it’s science, so you don’t have to feel it to do it. Just do it and it will be effective.

Here’s why.

When you do something for someone else, your lower, unconscious brain thinks you’re doing that act for yourself. 

That’s why it feels so good when you do something good for someone else. That’s why you feel loved when you do loving acts for others.

Doing these caring behaviors replaces the cortisol that produces anxiety and depression with oxytocin, dopamine, and other pleasure chemicals that cause you to feel joyful aliveness. 

As a result you’ll see depression literally be replaced by joy!

The Caring Behaviors exercise can help you identify precisely what makes your partner feel loved and cared about.

The fourth hack is…

4. Safe Conversations

The Imago Couple’s Dialogue is a powerful tool that helps make every conversation safe, enabling you to…

  • Talk without criticism
  • Listen without judgment, and
  • Connect beyond your differences

It’s the most powerful way I know to keep your conversations safe, enabling you to be fully open, present, and empathetic with your partner.

Putting it all together!

Here’s a how to use these 4 brain chemistry hacks with the 3 powerful tools to reignite passion in your marriage (click on the links to print out the tools).

1. Safe Conversations (every time you talk)

Use the Couple’s Dialogue as your core skill to keep every conversation safe and productive in a way that always leads you to connection with each other.

Flank this core skill with…

2. Four Powerful Appreciations (each day)

and… 

3. Three Caring Behaviors (each day)

Using the Safe Conversation model with these two types of affirmations on a daily basis will change your brain chemistry and create new neural pathways that create new feelings for each other.

It’s so powerful that I cannot overstate the importance of using these three tools together!

But nothing happens until you act on it!

So grab the tools and let’s reignite passion in our relationship!

And if you haven’t done so already…

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My goal is to provide free relationship tools and resources delivered to your inbox every week! 

Romantic love fades away but romance never has to end!

Romance is a choice we can make every day!

As a couple you can influence the way you feel about each other by reconstructing the conditions of romantic love.

When you treat each other the way you did in happier times, you will begin to identify each other as a source of pleasure once again.

What could be more powerful than doing the very things your partner has identified that make her or him feel loved??

Here’s a tool that will help you reconstruct those conditions of romantic love. It’s a very practical way to choose romance every day, and keep the fires of romantic love burning.

It’s called…

The Caring Behaviors exercise

Click on the link above and print out two copies (one for you and one for your partner). Then follow the instructions below.

In this exercise, you and your partner give each other the keys to your heart – specific “caring behaviors” that make you feel loved.

After you go through it, there’s a link below where you can read the story of Wendy and Tom – how their relationship died, and then how it went from “flatlined” to “fully-alive” using this tool.

1. Make a list as you think about three areas:

(1) what your partner is already doing that pleases you.
(2) what your partner used to do that pleased you.
(3) what have always wanted but never asked for.

These may be very private fantasies, but should not be a present source of conflict.

With each item complete the sentence, “I feel loved and cared about when you…”

Fill in your answers on the spaces provided on the printout.

(Examples: make me coffee in the morning, call me from work just to check in, tell me I’m doing a good job, help me with my chores around the house, spend quality time talking with me, take a shower with me, compliment me on how I look, give me a back rub, want to have sex with me, bring me an unexpected gift, cuddle without having to have sex)

2. Indicate the importance of each item with an A, B or C, with A being most important.

3. Now exchange lists.

4. On your partner’s list put an X by any items you are not willing to do at this time, making the rest of the list conflict-free.

5. Then beginning tomorrow, do at least two of these behaviors each day for two months.

Start with the easier ones first and then move to the more difficult ones.

These acts are to be GIFTS, NOT OBLIGATIONS. However, do them whether you feel like it or not.

The act of doing these things will begin to reignite your desire for each other.

Keep going and you will rekindle the feelings of romance, and create a safety zone that will allow deeper connection and bonding.

If either of you experience some resistance with this exercise, keep on doing these caring behaviors until the resistance is overcome. Do it even if you don’t feel it. Your feelings will follow.

But remember, the process won’t work unless you work the process.

Someone told me, “My partner and I tried this and it didn’t work.”

I can relate!

Sandy’s list included things like surprise outings and weekend adventures. Those kinds of things really make her feel loved and cared about.

So I planned one. And it hit the mark! She LOVED it and we felt close. 🙂

But then I did nothing like that again for several months. 🙁

Her efforts to do things on my list were about like mine. One here and one there.

To be honest, this exercise didn’t do for us what I was telling others it would do for them!

So I asked Sandy, “Why do you think it’s not working for us?”

She thought for a moment and then said, “It’s kind of like the California drought.”

What?

Then I got where she was going with that.

A few years ago California went through about six years of serious drought where reservoirs dried up and a statewide proclamation of emergency was issued.

During that time there would be a day or two, here and there, when it would rain cats and dogs all day long. And it felt so good every time all that rain poured down.

But those few times of rain had no effect whatsoever on our reservoirs or on the drought.

Sandy went on explaining…

“The few times we did these ‘Caring Behaviors’ could not make up for the drought we have experienced day in and day out over the years.”

Wow. I get that. That really makes sense.

Lesson learned.

We realize we have to do these caring behaviors REGULARLY and NOT STOP!

The exercise you printed out says “three a day for the next two months”! If three is too much start with one a day and work up from there.

The key is consistency!

Then it’s something hopefully you get addicted to – in a good way.

Sandy and I are rebooting our efforts. And it’s paying off.

What about you?

Print out the Caring Behaviors exercise and let’s get started!

Click here to read how Wendy and Tom used this tool and saw their dead marriage resurrected!


romantic-love

Let everyone know how it’s working in the comment section below. Also, please share this blog with your friends and on social media!

Let’s continue to be part of a relationship revolution!

Subscribe below to receive my weekly post that will come to you email inbox every Saturday morning! 

My goal is to provide free relationship tools and resources delivered to your inbox every week!