I’m not talking about moving out. I’m talking about taking seemingly innocent “exits” that rob your relationship.
“Exits” are places where you go to get your needs met outside your relationship.
Things like hobbies, sports, computer games, the kids, work…
or pornography, an affair, etc.
Some “legitimate”, some not so.
Whenever anything becomes a substitute for intimacy with your partner, it can drain your relationship of the energy it needs to flourish.
Does this touch a nerve? Please read on.
In last week’s post, Katie felt like her husband, Frank, was playing way too much golf.
But through the Couples Dialogue, they got to the real issue in their relationship.
Golf wasn’t the problem it was Katie’s hidden fear.
Katie’s hidden fear was that something would always take her place in Frank’s life.
Their marriage experienced a breakthrough when Frank began to understand this.
Frank began to see all Katie’s “nagging” as simply a hidden desire for more closeness with him. When he finally got that, Katie’s nagging stopped. Fantastic!
But what about Frank? What was Frank’s issue, and how did he contribute to this relationship problem?
Turns out, playing golf was an “exit” from the relationship. It was one of many ways Frank would “leave” Katie when he felt unsafe.
In the counseling process, while Katie learned to turn her criticism into a spoken desire, Frank learned to close the exits that were robbing their relationship.
He began to channel that energy into building an intimate partnership with Katie.
And you can do that too.
Here’s how to close the “exits” that are robbing your marriage.
1. Identify your unconscious defenses
If you met Frank you would not see any indication there was a problem. He is funny, and outgoing, and well-loved by all their friends.
But as the Dialogue process went deeper, Frank discovered a secret about himself.
Although Frank was super outgoing and a real “people person”, he was terrified of intimacy.
Abuse suffered early in life from his father, and neglect from his mother led to a deeply ingrained belief that intimacy is painful.
The message was, “If you get close to someone, you’ll end up getting hurt.”
Frank learned to survive childhood by keeping a safe distance from everyone.
The first step for Frank was to identify his unconscious defense strategy:
Frank was an “isolator” who would take a convenient “exit” anytime Katie would get “too close”.
2. Identify ways you avoid your relationship
Katie complained that “golf was the problem”, but we saw that golf wasn’t really the problem.
It was that Katie felt like Frank was “leaving the relationship”. Golf was one way he did that.
When Frank quit playing golf on the weekends, Katie was still not happy. Why?
Frank’s “exit” switched to computer games. Again, Katie felt him leaving her.
It wasn’t until these exits were identified that a plan for change could happen.
Katie longed for closeness, but from the very beginning of their relationship whenever she would get too close, Frank would exit.
It was Frank’s fear of intimacy that kept him on the run.
And there was always an exit to be found!
What about you? What are your exits?
Take time to look at your activities and ask yourself, “Am I doing any of these things in order to avoid my relationship?”
One husband realized that he was staying late at work, because when he would walk through the front door, a wave of depression would come over him. It was real easy to stay at work.
When we are disconnected from our partner, anxiety can make our relationship a real downer. That’s when it’s easy to exit.
So take time to identify your exits.
3. Redirect energy into your relationship
It’s important to not just close the exit. We must also find a way to redirect that energy into the relationship.
The best way I’ve found to do that is by using “Caring Behaviors”.
A “Caring Behavior” is something your partner has expressed to you that makes her or him feel loved.
In last week’s post, Katie made a “Behavior Change Request” of Frank. That request pointed to a “Caring Behavior” – something that, when done, makes Katie feel loved.
Her request was, “Next month, will you choose one weekend and plan something for us to do together?”
When Frank gave up his weekend golf to plan a suprise weekend with Katie, it was a positive experience for them both.
Katie felt loved, and her response made Frank feel like he could move closer to her.
It doesn’t help to just close your exits. You must redirect that energy into the relationship in a way that works for you both. That’s when reconnection can occur.
How about you in your relationship? Perhaps you can relate to Frank?
Is it scary for you to think about giving up something you love on a slim chance that you might be able to make your partner feel loved?
I can relate!
So begin with small steps.
There was wife who would go jogging every day at lunch, and then again after work. She learned that jogging was an exit – a way she was avoiding intimacy.
A small step for her was to continue jogging during her lunch break, but stop jogging in the evening in order to spend that time with her husband.
She didn’t give up jogging altogether. She just turned some of that energy back into the relationship. They spent time using some of the Dialogue tools they were learning in therapy. It was a step in the right direction.
So closing the exits is not about giving up something. It’s about getting the love you’ve always wanted!
Instead of leaving the relationship, identify your defenses, call your exits what they are, close them, and redirect all that good energy into your relationship.
You’ll be glad you did!
Need help? Reach out to me. I do coaching with couples all over the world through video conferencing.
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